Posted February, 2010....
Hello blogger chicks! I was trying to come up with a post today and nothing was coming to me until I saw this in the thrift store.
The memories and the story behind this seemingly feminine apparatus came flooding back. It was a spanks one piece body smoother, or as they used to say a "girdle."
It all started with an invitation to a wedding. My nephew's. My sister had it all planned right down to what color dress I should wear. She wanted to make sure that I looked my very best.
Well, being somewhat of a full figured, voluptuous type girl with lots of fluffy padding, I figured that I could maybe reshape some of my abundant assets into a more compacted package.
So, I bought a one piece thingee that looked kinda like this. It guaranteed to make me look 10 pounds thinner and smoother.
Now mind you, being a liberated woman and all, I wasn't real thrilled about wearin this thing, but hey I wanted to look good!
I unwrapped it and it looked rather small even though I bought an XXL ! But of course, I didn't need one that large, but rather to give myself some extra breathing room. But, this thing looked like an extra small. In fact, I checked the tag and it said XXL. Something just didn't look right, how could this itsy bitsy thingee be the right size? Ok, maybe it's supposed to stretch or something. No problem.
I thought I had better give it a dry run and try it on prior to the big event. So, I stripped down, placed one foot in the opening and lord have mercy girls, I was in for the ride of my life!!!!
I pulled, I shoved, I squeezed, I cringed and finally got both feet in the openings. Whew, makes me tired talking about it!
Then, I took both hands and started tugging at it to get it up my legs. That's when I fell forward and landed on my face. I then managed to scoot to the wall and prop my feet on it. What a sight
this was!! Whew!!
After sweating, huffing and puffing and @#$%&,I was able to get my feet up the wall where I could get a good grip on the contraption and pull it up some more. This time I managed to get it up to my thighs. By this time I was wringing wet and starting to hyperventilate!
< Insert break from reading here>
So, I took a deep breath, waited a few minutes and tugged at that sucker some more. By this time my circulation had cut off and I was feeling kinda woozie. But I was determined to get this bad boy on and lose that 10 pounds. You hear me! Finally with a big wallup, I got it up to my waist! Huff, puff, @#&**(
Next I got up on all fours, crawled over to the bed and was able to get myself upright.
Only problem was that the thing was so tight I couldn't breathe!
Now, after counting to 10 and doing some deep breathing and exhaling I stood up and looked in the mirror! And sisters, let me tell you I was a sight!! I had a big ole spare tire of fat bunched up around my waist! I looked like the Michelin Tire Man!!!!
Now what??? I would need another spanks to put over my head to meet up with my waist in order to get rid of the spare tire!!!
Ok, maybe this thang goes up even further I thought. Still conscious, I pulled, tugged, sweated and cursed and finally it was up under my arms. Now I had a huge roll of tires underneath my boobs!!! Things were hangin out all over the place!
That's it, I'm goin in....I'm puttin on the dress. And when I did, I looked like the Marhmallow Man in a dress!!! Oh, Lord!!!
By this time I was just plain tuckered out! And all I could think about was gettin the danged thing off. So, here we go. After several minutes of sweatin, cursing and turning blue, I managed to get it off!!! I swear that thing had so much stretchy stuff in it that if
someone else would have been in the room, it would have put their eye out. That thing rolled up into a ball and went firing across the room and it took me two day to find it.
Oh and did I tell you it had a "convenience crotch!"
Needless to say I went to the wedding wearing said dress without the miracle weight reducing, inch remover contraption that nearly caused my death! I just went au naturel, lumps, bumps and all. If anyone noticed, they sure didn't say anything to me.
I suppose this is a warning to all of you voluptous gals to just "Let it all hang out," or "let the good times roll," or, "it ain't worth sweatin to the oldies," or "be proud of what your mama gave you," or "Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat!" or, "I'm in shape, round is a shape!"
Or, take it from the most famous Diva of all............
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may
be necessary from time to time to give a
stupid or misinformed
beholder a black eye!"
I think I like Miss Piggy's philosophy the best.
~~hugs and smiles~~