Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Warning this dang thing can be hazardous to your health!!!! - A repeat post for fun!

Hi Bloggerettes!  I was going through some of my old posts and thought some of you might enjoy reading this one again. 

Posted February, 2010....

Hello blogger chicks!  I was trying to come up with a post today and nothing was coming to me until I saw this in the thrift store.
The memories and the story behind this seemingly feminine apparatus came flooding back.  It was a spanks one piece body smoother, or as they used to say a "girdle."

It all started with an invitation to a wedding.  My nephew's.  My sister had it all planned right down to what color dress I should wear.  She wanted to make sure that I looked my very best.

Well, being somewhat of a full figured, voluptuous type girl with lots of fluffy padding, I figured that I could maybe reshape some of my abundant assets into a more compacted package. 

So, I bought a one piece thingee that looked kinda like this. It  guaranteed to make me look 10 pounds thinner and smoother. 
Now mind you, being a liberated woman and all, I wasn't real thrilled about wearin this thing, but hey I wanted to look good!

I unwrapped it and it looked rather small even though I bought an XXL ! But of course, I didn't need one that large, but rather to give myself some extra breathing room.  But, this thing looked like an extra small.  In fact, I checked the tag and it said XXL. Something just didn't look right, how could this itsy bitsy thingee be the right size? Ok, maybe it's supposed to stretch or something.  No problem.

I thought I had better give it a dry run and try it on prior to the big event.  So, I stripped down, placed one foot in the opening and lord have mercy girls,  I was in for the ride of my life!!!!

I pulled, I shoved, I squeezed, I cringed and finally got both feet in the openings.  Whew, makes me tired talking about it!
Then, I took both hands and started tugging at it to get it up my legs.  That's when I fell forward and landed on my face.  I then managed to scoot to the wall and prop my feet on it.  What a sight
this was!! Whew!!

After sweating, huffing and puffing and @#$%&,I was able to get my feet up the wall where I could get a good grip on the contraption and pull it up some more.  This time I managed to get it up to my thighs.  By this time I was wringing wet and starting to hyperventilate!

                    < Insert break from reading here>


So, I took a deep breath, waited a few minutes and tugged at that sucker some more.  By this time my circulation had cut off and I was feeling kinda woozie.  But I was determined to get this bad boy on and lose that 10 pounds.  You hear me!  Finally with a big wallup, I got it up to my waist!  Huff, puff, @#&**(
Next I got up on all fours, crawled over to the bed and was able to get myself upright.
Only problem was that the thing was so tight I couldn't breathe!

Now, after counting to 10 and doing some deep breathing  and exhaling  I stood up and looked in the mirror!  And sisters, let me tell you I was a sight!! I  had a big ole spare tire of fat bunched up around my waist!  I looked like the Michelin Tire Man!!!!

Now what??? I would need another spanks to put over my head to meet up with my waist in order to get rid of the spare tire!!!
Ok, maybe this thang goes up even further I thought.  Still conscious, I pulled, tugged, sweated and cursed and finally it was up under my arms. Now I had a huge roll of tires underneath my boobs!!!  Things were hangin out all over the place!

That's it, I'm goin in....I'm puttin on the dress.  And when I did, I looked like the Marhmallow Man in a dress!!! Oh, Lord!!!

By this time I was just plain tuckered out!  And all I could think about was gettin the danged thing off.  So, here we go.  After several minutes of sweatin, cursing and turning blue, I managed to get it off!!!  I swear that thing had so much stretchy stuff in it that if
someone else would have been in the room, it would have put their eye out.  That thing rolled up into a ball and went firing across the room and it took me two day to find it.
Oh and did I tell you it had a "convenience crotch!"

Needless to say I went to the wedding wearing said dress without the miracle weight reducing, inch remover contraption that nearly caused my death!  I just went au naturel, lumps, bumps and all.  If anyone noticed, they sure didn't say anything to me.

I suppose this is a warning to all of you  voluptous gals to just "Let it all hang out," or "let the good times roll," or, "it ain't worth sweatin to the oldies," or "be proud of what your mama gave you," or "Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat!" or, "I'm in shape, round is a shape!"

      Or, take it from the most famous Diva of all............

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may
be necessary from time to time to give a
stupid or misinformed
beholder a black eye!"

~~Miss Piggy~~


I think I like Miss Piggy's philosophy the best.

~~hugs and smiles~~


Riet said...

Oh Sissie, what a great story. I have been giggling for some time already and can't stop. LOl.

Anne~fiona and twig said...

Girdles were clearly invented by men. I mean, can you imagine one of THEM going through all that rigamarole we go through to look that good for THEM???

At least you can laugh about it!!! :-)



You are such a hoot! I love it.... you should send it to a woman's magazine to publish! I laughed, I cried. ha! I decided a long time ago... that comfort was for me... granny panties and all. I am sure you looked stunning in the dress without the casing.
Blessings always!

Marsha (Sassy Mini Dolls) said...

ROTFL! I'm with Gwen, you need to send this into a woman's magazine! I wore one of those on my wedding day, yeah, you drop the pounds but it's not from wearing it, it's from struggling to put it on, ha ha

This is one of the best posts ever!!! Let the good times roll!

Have a wonderful day today, Sissie!!


LemonyRenee' said...

Ooh, what a fun and funny post! You had me laughing out loud here all by myself. So funny. I can just picture how the thing would have coiled up and zinged across the room. And I wouldn't have been interested in finding it ever again.

What we gals go through . . . when will we and "they" realize people are different, not only in their height, age, religious beliefs, but in weight as well. I pray for the day weight is afforded the same respect for diversity that these other things are.

In the meantime, it's good to laugh. Thanks so much!

The Tattered Cottage said...

Sissie -
OMG I can't breathe...I am laughing so hard and waking up the household with my laughter. I could totally picture you struggling with that woman eater!!! Thanks for the best part of my day :)

BonjourRomance said...

Hilarious! You have such a wondeful sense of humour - sounds vaguely familiar,hmmm! Glad noone else was injured. I've always thought they give you that 'sausage look' anyway.
I'm positive you looked fabulous sans 'girdle'!
It is good to laugh!

Sherrie said...

Oh my gosh!!!! What a hoot!!! That was perfectly written, I could so visualize the scene.....the sweat and the tears. Thanks for bringing me a chuckle.

Country Wings in Phoenix said...

Oh My Gosh Sweetie...
I have finally picked myself up off the floor so I can type. I have been rolling as I can see myself in a similar instance. They can say what they want to say about those darn things, but they are not meant for us voluptous gals at all.

I can tell you right now, I graduated to granny panties, and I am so proud. I do not want to wear butt floss, I do not want to wear tummy girdles that roll my rolls, I do not want to wear bras, that push my boobs up, they fell from nursing my babies a long time ago, and hang they shall. Who on earth comes up with these contraptions?

Sweetie this was the best. I love it. I thank you for making my day today and sharing with me. You are just the sweetest ever.

Country hugs sweetie and so much love...Sherry

Grace said...

whahahahaha (rolling on the floor) I got one I was at the time a medium but bought a large!! and I got it on after the same issues my mom helped and then in the car I had a breathing issue and pain due to Spanx I did not feel well at all and then we pulled at the side of the road where my mom had to cut it off...Thanks for the best story ever Grace

Karyn Bernard (French Charming) said...

Bwahahaha! Oh Sissie...my cheeks are aching and you ruined my make-up you had me laughing so hard!

Whew...that was hysterical. I'm with you, let the bumps, lumps and good time roll!

You are a hoot...thank for the fantastic giggle!


stefanie said...

oh, my goodness, sissie, I am laughing hystericly!!!! that is sooooo funny. I have put on the spandex bottom too, and it just squezzes it all up, I sooo know what you mean...lol..great post, thanks for the belly laugh.

Jodie LeJeune said...

Oh Sissie, this is soooo funny!
And so true for me too!!! I tried one of those "things" and once I put it on, I had rolls in places that I didn't think were possible!!!! I was totally emotionally scared after thinking I would look like the lady on the package!!! haha
Thank you for assuring us that round is a shape and au naturale is beautiful after all!!!!
I loved this post girl, you are so REAL!!!!
love that!
everything vintage

ps...everytime I see a Spanx package now, I'll think of you!!!! You are too cute~

My name is PJ. said...

I was holding my breath, sucking it in the whole time I read your post...sweardagod....I'm extremely empathetic when it comes to extra weight.

When you reach the extra age, extra weight thing, you begin with a muumuu and end with a tent dress. One gets to a point where life is too short to be uncomfortably dressed. At least this one does!

Tracie said...

I am seriously laughing so hard right now!! ...."A convenience crothch"!!!!!

This is hilarious! The things that we women put ourselves though.

Gypsy Mermaid said...

Omg I am rolling I know your pain. I use to work at Lane Bryant and let me tell ya they would preach and preach you should wear one you should really it will make you look pds lighter. Well I go to the dressing room and get it out of the little bitty package and a girl came to check on me because she thought I had broke something or myself! Needless to say I told them they are all NUTS! my 10 pds will stay on my butt and stomach I would rather be lumpy then pass out somewhere and go to the er and have someone else cut me out of this thing! So dont worry your not the only one. You so silly! love the post and the truth of these wanna be answer to big girls! hahaha

big hugs


Gypsy Mermaid said...

ohh p.s. my hubbys nickname for me is Miss Piggy! I am dressing up as her this halloween! hehe

Jonny said...

Geez! was that ever funny the whole thought of it was way to hilarious, but it is the truth all those things do is push everything somewhere else. This story should be published in a woman's magazine, very entertaining, Thank You for sharing

Cottage Rose said...

OH Sissie; Laughing and laughing,,, rolling on the floor with laughter..... such a fun post,, I can just see it all.... and I am with you honey let it all hang out,, that way I can breath. Oh God Bless ya...


Ms. Bake-it said...

Oh my word Sissie! It is a good thing that my staff has already left for the day because I was seriously laughing out loud! I cannot believe I missed this post the first time! I have a feeling I will be laughing about this on and off the rest of the evening. Should be interesting trying to explain to my son why I seem to be laughing for no apparent reason...

Have a Happy New Year!

~ Tracy

Kim @ Savvy Southern Style said...

Oh, Sissie, I have laughed till I hurt!! I do have some spanx and a couple are hard to get up and a couple are pretty easy. Not sure about ten pounds slimmer though. I know what you mean though. I have had some that are impossible to get on so I can relate to this!! I only wear one if I absolutely must like you said for a special occasion. Yes, I have been blessed with this body. I tell my husband I earned these rolls!!

The Polka Dot Closet said...

Sissy, I have overnight company and they kept looking at me while I read, I think I laughed and snorted! I have been there, so glad girdles are not the standard, of course they renamed the girdle....Spanks. Thanks for the laugh.


CHERI said...

Oh, Lordy! That is absolutely one of the funniest things I've ever read. I remember a somewhat similar experience with a girdle years ago...I didn't think I'd ever get that sucker off. Thought sure I'd have to be buried in it! Isn't it crazy what we gals will try to do to look a few pounds lighter? But I agree with you...it's there so might as well let it all hang out!

Sherry @ No Minimalist Here said...

Sissie, This is even funnier than the story about eating chocolate in the car with your sister! I am laughing so hard just picturing this. Hey, maybe Spanx will hire you to be their spokes model!

My Grama's Soul said...

So sorry I missed this post the first time around....it cracked me up...girlfriend!!

Xo...Have a wonderful new year,


Olivia said...

Oh Sissie! You are one hot mama and don't you forget that! Sounds like my wedding slip thingey I wore underneath my dress to make my waist look tiny. I borrowed it from my sister who is tiny and I am not...it was sooooo tight I couldn't eat anything, literally! Be glad you did not wear it. Plus you are an excellent writer! Fabulous I took that ride as if I put on the danged thing AND whoever invented these ridiculous contraptions must have had a bit of testerone running through her, sorry spank lady. Whew! Glad you lived! Love it all and happy new year saucey mama!
Squishy hugs,

DownTheLaneWithDaisy said...

I just found your blog post. I have spanx and have worn them. Boy, can I relate!! Such a funny story! Loved it. Thanks

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